


Of Otters and Clams

by BleatingGoat (Nat20)



Series: A Fox's Fire [2]
Category: Flight Rising
Genre: Elva is trying, Gen, Irwin has PTSD, Irwin is just very difficult to get to talk, Major trust issues, Not Beta Read, he is very good at avoiding what he doesn't want to talk about, like very hard, or even listen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 16:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19023214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nat20/pseuds/BleatingGoat
Summary: In which Elva tries to get Irwin to talk to her about his lack of trust in anyone and everyone, including her.Irwin is as tight-lipped as ever and Elva shows some stunning patience.





	Of Otters and Clams

**Author's Note:**

> The title is related to a joke I made on Tumblr about Irwin being tighter-lipped than a clam but Elva being an otter with a very hard rock. She'll metaphorically beat him with kindness and love and acceptance until he finally opens up to her. It's a long process.

It was a weekly event. The Donnelly family would gather and spar in friendly matches. It was a bonding moment among the family. A chance for experienced fighters to teach the inexperienced. A time for the family to grow closer and create lasting bonds that would carrying them through on the battlefield. It was also a time for Elva to monitor her family and ensure they are as strong as they can be. To spot weak links and give them special attention to make them stronger or perhaps find a new path for them to take in the family. It was supposed to be a day where family members lend their trust to each other in knowledge that no one would purposely hurt or target them. It was a a time to release tension and anger at each other and relax in the knowledge that, no matter the disputes, this was a family. Blood relation not at all required.

“Why aren't you trying?” Elva asked, releasing Irwin from her grip. He stood up and dusted himself off, leaning on his cane and giving her a bored look.

“My leg has been hurting recently. I don't wish to push myself nor engage in anymore of this squabble.”

Elva narrowed her eyes. “Your leg. Hurting. Sure. What's the actual reason?”  
“I just told you. Shouldn't that be enough? Now if you don't mind, I have work to do.” He left the sparring ring and pushed past other Donnelly, feeling their eyes on him. He couldn't tell if the gazes were judgmental or concerned. Perhaps a mix of both.

Irwin made his way up the stairs towards the war room. His office. A space for him to focus on something other than his stress. There was work to be done. Plenty of work. A weekly sparring session was nothing more than a distraction from that.

He entered the office and cursed inwardly. He knew Elva was following him. He had to admit, her tenacity was admirable. But the anger fluttered in his chest faster than his knowledge that she was doing her job was the Donnelly leader. As a concerned queen. Bitterness burnt on his tongue and the back of his neck grew hot.

“Irwin? What the hell?” Elva asked, entering the office with the same force she had at almost all times. Irwin bit his lip to keep himself from saying something cruel.

“Please, leave me alone. I have no interest in speaking to anyone at the moment. I just want to focus on my work.” He moved further away from her, grateful when she didn't follow as closely as he expected. He looked her over. There was a lack of her weapons she wore only a moment earlier. Her sparring clothes were dusty from the matches, only a few scratches on her. The baggy pants and tank top gave her a different look from the traditional armor she sometimes wore. She looked more relaxed and approachable on a general level. Although, she still looked very rough around the edges.

“I'm not leaving until you give me a reason why you weren't trying. If your leg hurt that bad why didn't you tell me beforehand? You know I would have let you sit out and rest.”

“I didn't know we were having this sparring crap today,” he snapped back. “That's the end of it.”

Elva's eyes narrowed. She took in a deep breath and relaxed all at once, face growing much softer. “So, what's the problem?” she asked, hands in her pockets, shoulders turned slightly away from him and her eyes focusing very intently on his face but not looking directly into his own. It was a position Irwin was very used to seeing from many, but not a superior officer. Not someone in charge. He was used to seeing them with crossed arms or hands on their hips, chin raised as they made uncomfortable eye contact, shoulders squared and rolled back with a straight spine. This position was far more formal. Almost relaxed.

“With all due respect, your majesty, I don't really want to talk to you about it.” He looked away from her and focused on the wall. There were no faults in it. No cracks, no peeling of the paint. It was perfectly cared for and clean. Not a single cobweb or speck of dust. Uncharacteristic for a war room where so much went unnoticed. Irwin kept the room as clean as he could. A clean space helped a mind focus. Especially a mind so usually cluttered and full of distracting thoughts. If something was as boring as a clean wall then the mind would have to move onto the work in front of him. That was the idea, anyway. It hardly ever worked.

“Drop the 'your majesty' crap. My name is Elva. I also respond to dude, bro, man and my guy.” She shifted her position only slightly, taking a very small and very tentative step forward. A hand, palm facing up, extended towards Irwin by hardly two inches. “I understand if you don't want to talk to me about this, but hear me out?”

It wasn't an order. It was an invitation to reject. To decline her offer. To ignore this whole conversation and whatever Elva had to say, whatever stupid words would come out of her mouth next. Irwin could already taste the bitterness on his tongue at having to listen to one of her lectures. The woman that would challenge someone to beat her head with a steel pot to prove she wouldn't pass out. The woman that fought upset and angry goats on a daily basis because others were too scared of their sharp horns. The woman in charge of an entire kingdom with six different armies of various styles at her disposal. He knew that his intellect surpassed hers. His experience was outmatched. He had seen more wars and more blood than Elva ever had. Whatever advice she could give him he probably already knew.

A deep, exhausted and helpless sigh escaped him as he broke his gaze away from the wall in favor of sitting in his chair. He set his cane firmly on the floor and clasped both hands over its handle, closing his eyes. His headdress twitched just a little. He heard Elva take in a breath.

“Do you feel comfortable falling asleep at night?”

The question caught him off guard. He opened his eyes and turned his gaze towards her, just enough to see her out of the corner of his eye. Her expression was soft, hands back in her pockets, eyes focused on him but not on his eyes. Just slightly off to the side. Perhaps the tip of his nose or his cheek bones. Her face was, for the most part, expressionless. It took effort, he could tell. Her ears and tail betrayed her from slight twitches to a gentle waving. But her face was soft and blank. Eyebrows, lips and jaw relaxed. Mouth closed. A deep and steady breathing.

He looked away from her again as he thought about his answer. A lie bubbled on the tip of his tongue, knowing she wouldn't catch it. Irwin had lied about so much that it was second nature to him. He could keep a story straight in his head for ages. Centuries if he had to. That was the nature of his job. Any tells he used to have were beaten out of him years ago, back during his youth at the academy.

A minute passed and he finally answered, “Yes.” The truth. Elva deserved at least that much. She was holding herself back from dragging Irwin into a hug that he had witnessed her give to others. She was staying out of his personal space, allowing him several feet away from her. Enough room to see her whole body and anticipate incoming attacks. She had left all her weapons outside the room, although she needed none to fight. It was the thought that counted.

Elva let out a breath. She must had been holding it. “Do you feel comfortable eating breakfast in your own home?”

“No.” Another truthful answer.

“Do you look over your shoulder when walking around Bovidae, no matter the time of day?”

“Yes.”

“Can you count how many people you trust with your life on one hand?”

He thought about it. “Yes.”

“Am I one of those people?”

“No.” An immediate response. He looked back at her. The hurt on her face came only from her eyes and her ears which had drooped towards the sides of her face. Her tail had stopped moving. Her lips twitched, daring themselves to go to a frown, but she forced them to relax again.

“I understand,” the words were strained as she spoke, as if Irwin's statement had been a dagger to her heart. “I don't blame you for not trusting me. I have done nothing to prove to you that I am deserving of your trust..”

Her words were careful and slow, as if she was testing each one out in her head before speaking. Poor thing was trying so hard. Her tail gave a rough twitch behind her as she spoke. Irwin almost felt pity. Elva had no experience with this. Interrogation would not be her strong suit. Neither would spying or lying to the face of an enemy. She was too honest. Too sweet. Too pure. But she was trying to hold her feelings together to prevent a very characteristic outburst.

Comforting words rose to Irwin's mind. _It's not your fault. I've been like this since I was young. Don't take it personally that I can't give trust easily. I want to trust you but I physically cannot without inducing severe anxiety. My anger at my lack of security is not your burden to bare._

“What could I do to show you my intentions are good and that I want to be worthy of your trust? What can I do to help you feel comfortable here in Bovidae?” Elva said before Irwin could sort out his next statement. “Would switching families help? Or not being a part of a family? Do you require extra security around your home? No security? A new home?” She clamped her mouth shut when Irwin's antenna twitched. He felt her desire to try and fix this problem overwhelm her nervousness. She caught on fast. Irwin took note to watch all his movements around her. Elva may not be the most well-trained strategist, or a strategist at all, but she could read others. If she knew that or not was up to her self-awareness which, Irwin guessed, was hardly none.

“Is this the part where you say 'I'll earn your trust no matter what!' and then annoy me until I lie and say you earned it when in fact it just makes me hate you?” He said, the words drenched in bitterness.

“No. This is the part where you can tell me to fuck off and leave you alone and I'll do just that, my personal emotions on this matter be damned.” Elva dropped her shoulders forward. Either a defeated or very relaxed stance. Irwin couldn't tell. “This isn't about me and it never will be. This is about you living in someplace you can't even fall asleep in or eat in without being stressed. Bovidae is supposed to be a place people and beasts can come to relax. A place where everyone, no matter what, can feel safe. We have monsters and fey walking the streets for Callisto's sake. If you can't feel comfortable here then either Bovidae as a whole or I, as your family head, am doing something wrong. And I can't fix that problem if I don't know what it is. But if you don't want to tell me what it is or don't trust me enough for that yet I understand. I want to work on earning your trust. Not getting it because oh, hey! I'm the queen of Bovidae or the leader of the Donnelly family or some other shit. I don't deserve anything because of my titles. I don't deserve your trust, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to work my ass off to get it. I just need to know what I need to start doing.” She looked at him, eyes focused on his. “If you can't even have a conversation with me without being ready to draw your sword then there's a problem that _I'm_ causing.”

Irwin noticed the tight grip on his cane. He was poised to draw the hidden blade from its sheath and fight. But why? Elva's hands were still in her pockets, her tail relaxed to the point that most of it was on the floor. Her weapons were gone and her overall stance proved she couldn't readily defend herself against any attack. She was poised to be caught off guard if Irwin decided to strike. He didn't relax his grip.

“You have a very childish way of looking at the world, Elva.” His voice was softer than he meant for it to be. He held her gaze steady, seeing nothing but concern in her eyes. Finally, her face showed her emotions. A frown. Not one that was hurt. Just one that was worried.

“Maybe I do. But, you have a very paranoid way of looking at the world.” She lowered her gaze. Another first from one of Irwin's superior officers. Not even Damian and Toril, dragons Irwin considered close to his own heart, would glance away from him first. He would need to give them that respect. Back when they were king and queen of their own domain, at least.

“You are a kind person,” he said, watching her ears twitch curiously. “I do not think you are a capable leader because of that kindness. All leaders I know had to be ruthless to survive in a world so harsh. There was no room for error or for softness. If Toril wasn't running the show from the shadows on political matters outside of Bovidae I would have fled this kingdom long ago to preserve my own hide.”

“Your right. I'm not capable. But I'm not a leader bent on gaining power. I'm a leader trying to make my home safe for those that live in it and that includes you and your wanting in trust and acceptance of situations outside of your control.”

“I'm surprised you know how to use that word.”

A smile broke onto Elva's face. It was soft, pointed away from him as she studied a bookshelf.

“I'm not as stupid as you think I am, you know. I'm a dumbass, sure. But not stupid. My knowledge is just specialized to what my family needs from me and what I need to lead them.”

“The families,” Irwin mused, still watching her closely, “out of all of them why did you claim me? I would think my abilities would be better suited to the O'Hannigan or Cooney.”

“Your magical ability with shadows is good, yeah. You can control them and travel through them but the O'Hannigans are researchers in how to control and better use magic. The Cooney are the opposite. They research in _spite_ of magic. The Donnelly are a battle oriented family. We need smart strategist with a lot of history and experience to make our whole thing work.” She looked back at him. “And I would be damned if another family got their hands on someone as experienced and intelligent as you.”

Irwin felt his muscles twitch in want of a smile. He bit the urge down on the inside of his cheek, keeping his face expressionless. Elva watched him for a few more seconds before sighing.

“If you want to transfer families at some point or remove yourself from them entirely or move homes or want extra security in some form or fashion, just let me know. I can start the whole process. I'll also be around if you ever want to... talk or something. I'll always make time. Okay?”

Irwin didn't respond. Elva turned and made her way back towards the door. He watched her back before finally letting out a quiet sigh.

“I attended an academy when I was younger. From the moment I was capable of forming a well-endowed sentence and holding a blade.” He watched Elva stop and look back at him. Irwin's eyes snapped back to the wall. “The academy was meant to train spies, thieves, assassins and strategists. We were all held on rankings that involved how we did in our classes and in school-organized battle royals. The higher rank you were the more likely you were to be noticed and specially trained. But also the more likely you were to be killed. I woke up to many classmates with daggers in their chests, wondering if I would also be killed in my sleep by a jealous classmate. But I was able to fly under the radar for a while. Not high enough to be a target but not low enough the teachers ignored me. That was the trick, though. The teachers looked for those purposely sabotaging themselves to maintain a low rank. It meant you were more likely to survive outside the academy. That you had the foresight to understand how the rankings worked.”

He paused. Elva was silent and had looked away from him towards the ground. But she was listening. Ears trained on him, her tail still. Irwin continued.

“As far as I am aware, the academy still exists and they are still looking for me. I worked for them for a while, you see. Feeding them information about the clans and kingdoms I worked for so they could sell it to the highest bidder. I was transferred from location to location. Target to target. Helping the academy increase their wealth and the number of orphans enrolled to be indoctrinated into their ways like I was.” He folded his next words carefully on his tongue. “I don't want them to find me, Elva, but I'm also so tired of always being on the run. I don't know who I can trust because I don't know if anyone knows who I am. If anyone remembers my name. The one person I knew I could trust in the world is... I left her behind to die at the hands of the academy because I was a coward and didn't want to fight. I didn't want them to see my face. I spent so long hiding myself and changing myself that I can hardly recognize who I am now from who I was back then. But the academy might. Who is to say someone here in Bovidae isn't watching me, passing that information on? Waiting until I leave the canyon to strike? Or that even you are getting word from the academy about a traitor among your civilians that wants to destroy the kingdom, and then take me out for them? I don't know the answers to those questions and I can't know. The amount of trust you and this kingdom have allowed me is uncalled for and uncharacteristic of most places I have been in. Toril and Damian's words on my behalf be damned.

“I don't know if I'm still subconsciously working for the academy or not, collecting weaknesses in Bovidae to pass onto them if they find me. I don't know if they are somehow watching me through the very shadows I find comfort in. I don't _know_. I can't _see them_. They trained spies and assassins much better than me and I would never know if one of their operatives were planted here in Bovidae just waiting for the night I forget to lock my door and windows. Or to attack me when its raining, when my cognitive abilities are impaired by my anxieties. So, yes. I don't trust you. I don't trust Reunan. I don't trust Bear even though she has shown me nothing but kindness and understanding like most people here. I don't even trust the goats. That lack of trust isn't by choice.”

He waited for her response. She was chewing on the inside of her lip, brow furrowed in concentration as she continued to stare at the floor.

“Alright. I understand,” she said slowly, once more carefully thinking over her words, chewing over them before carefully laying them out in front of him. “I can tell you, honestly, I haven't heard of this academy. But I'm guessing that's how they want it to be. But if I do I'll let you know. I'll keep an eye out for anything here. And if someone makes you uncomfortable come to me. Or go to someone you trust. I don't know what I need to do show you I mean only good and that I want to be your friend but I won't blame you for not trusting me even with these words. But I say honestly, and with a swear upon Bovidae itself, I will do my best to protect you from that place. No matter what. If they get a hold of you somehow I will kill anyone and everyone in my way to get you back. If you ever want to tell me where these bastards are I will, by myself, charge on them with the intent to end them.”

“I don't think there is anything you can do, and it bothers me that I can't tell you an action you can take to prove that I trust you. It took me months to even come to terms that Cenric cares about me _for_ me. And even then I wonder. I know, I can't even trust my own boyfriend. It's pathetic.”

“It's not pathetic. It's rational given what you've been through.” Elva raised her eyes from the floor and met his again. She gave a soft smile. “Thank you for telling me all this. I know it was probably difficult. Especially for someone you don't trust. Can I ask one more question?”

“If you must.”

“Did you have any other names?”

“Many. Too many.”

“Do you prefer Irwin?”

“Yes.”

“Will you tell me the others?”

“No.”

“Maybe if I ever earn your trust?”

“Maybe.” He relaxed a little. “Can you leave me alone now?”

Elva's smile grew a little wider. More like her usual self. “Sure thing, pal. You got it. Talk to you tomorrow. And, hey, I want a rematch with you actually trying, alright? I know you can kick my ass.”

“Don't sell yourself short.”

“I'm not.” She held his gaze before smiling. She spun on her heel and left the room, closing the door softly behind her. Irwin basked in the silence of the room, feeling pinpricks on the back of his neck. He was safe in here. There was no one watching him save for the shadows. And even then he felt a minor sense of trust with them. He could escape inside of them, teleport using them, control them to fight, trap others in them. Those abilities were not his own to claim, but it helped. Trapping a master of the shadows in the shadows themselves was difficult.

He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, taking deep, calming breaths through his nose and letting them out through his mouth. He opened his eyes to stare up at the ceiling. Perhaps he should head home through the shadows today, to avoid the prying eyes of the rest of the Donnelly family. Yes, perhaps he would.

 


End file.
